By Bennett Fuson
It’s been fun the past few weeks to watch as all those around me struggle to find prom dates. Surely it was not fun for them, but as a man who hasn’t worried about the perils of wooing for the past two years, it’s akin to Gossip Girl, from a heterosexual perspective.
I mention this because as the hell that is high school makes its final curtain call for me, I can’t help but look back and realize how blessed I have been. For the past two years, I have been dating my beautiful girlfriend Lexi, and loved every minute of this. Don’t worry: this is not a love column. Simply think of it as musings from a former serial bachelor and successful Beta-male.
Deep down, everyone wants to be loved. It’s human nature, and it’s unavoidable. Yet there’s a fine line between wanting to be loved and wanting attention, and I’m afraid that the line too often gets blurred within these halls. Of course, I’m not opposed, because watching guys try to attract dates is like watching a hybrid of The Bachelorette and any gorilla documentary on National Geographic. (After this column, I plan on proposing that show to any network that would take it. It’ll be a hit.) But, from a male’s perspective, I think it’s necessary that before one graduates from this school, he learns these valuable tips:
1. In all honesty, no one cares how much you bench press. If you can lift more than your girlfriend, she already feels confident in your ability to protect her. Plus, wearing awkward muscle shirts and strutting around with your arms puffed out reaffirms the National Geographic note (see above).
2. If you act like you don’t care, she thinks you don’t care. Even if you would rather gouge your eyes out with a spork rather than hear about Twilight, listening to what she has to say will at least convince her you value her opinions, and that is a rather attractive quality.
3. Witty conversation does not include any of the following: sports stats, phallic references, car engines or your consumption limits. It’s evident when you’re overcompensating.
4. Wearing sports jerseys when you do not actually play for that team does not assert your athletic abilities or, in fact, impress anyone.
5. On a similar note to subject number two, if all you talk about is you, no one else will listen or care. The bank buster of relationships is communication, and good communication is elementary to any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
I know this may come as a bit of a culture shock for the self-professed “Alpha Males,” but trust me, it works. I’ve been fortunate enough to have someone who cares enough about me to point out these pitfalls, and, speaking from the other side, it’s obvious when you employ them as mating ritual. Believe me when I say you look dumb.
I fully realize writing this could put me at odds with a lot of people, particularly of the X/Y chromosome club. But after a happy two years with the love of my life (and many more to come), I ask this: Am I really so wrong? Bennett Fuson is an entertainment editor for the HiLite. Contact him at email@example.com.