Senior Ashley Sipe said she first met her stepmother when her dad Kent Sipe introduced his then-girlfriend Carla at a bowling alley. At the time, Ashley said she considered Carla little more than her dad’s girlfriend. Four years and one wedding later, Ashley said she views Carla as both a friend and a parent.“As we spent more time together, we became friends,” Ashley said. “As the years passed by, she also had more of a parental role too, but it wasn’t an intense parental role. It was more of a friendly one.”
Ashley’s relationship with Carla is not unusual. According to a study released by the Pew Research Center in January 2011, two in 10 adults have at least one stepparent. With the current divorce rate in the United States at 50 percent, this number will continue to grow.
Marilyn Coleman, a professor of human development and family studies at the University of Missouri, said the relationship between a stepchild and a stepparent is especially unique and presents challenges that other step relations do not. Coleman said friendship is the most effective method to overcoming these challenges and creates a basis for a healthy relationship between a stepchild and a stepparent.
She said, “We recommend that the stepparent develop an affinity with the stepchild. Sort of like when you’re developing a friendship with somebody, you do things that your friend likes to do, and stepparents need to do that too. It seems odd to adults that you have to court the child, but if you don’t do that, and you step in and try to be a parent, it won’t work. Kids resent it.”
According to Mr. Sipe, the transition between Ashley and Carla from strangers to friends was gradual and involved consistent communication on his part as well.
Mr. Sipe said, “I spoke with both about the other quite a bit. We took it very slowly and did not do a lot together at first but gradually did after six months or so.”
Coleman said this communication is called gate keeping. She said that role determination is often the most challenging part of a transition into a stepfamily and that gate keeping will ease the adjustment.