So, as I was looking through my shelves for a DVD a few days ago, I came across Rock Band. Remember when this was a thing? Coincidentally, I have deprived you all, my lovely audience, a blog post in some time. So these two topics went the way of the bird and the bee and made a beautiful honey making, feathered monstrosity.

1.

You cannot properly smash a plastic guitar:

I mean you CAN smash it, but it isn’t as satisfying. There is no wood splinters or cool noise. I like my guitars like I like my women, finely tuned and having the ability to randomly pierce you with a sharp object (It keeps me on my toes).

2.

Turn off the music, and you look ridiculous:

A. You see your brother playing Guitar Hero over there? Slyly go and turn off the console. B. Wait for him to realize that he looks like an idiot. C. ???. D. Profit!

3.

I do not like having to sing like Britney Spears:

No Karaoke revolution, I do not appreciate your scales for “Oops I Did It Again.” I am not a woman from a trailer park, I will never be a woman from a trailer park. This is why we cannot have nice things.

4.

Without people watching you, Dance Dance Revolution is not as fun:

I mean it is nice to know I could get a job as a virtual dancer, but outside of the arcade, DDR seems lackluster.

5.

Karaoke breeds horrible singers:

Lady singing an off key “I Will Always Love You.” Guy in a popped collar singing a “Earth Angel.” Oh for the love of god. guy in a trucker hat singing “On the Road Again.”

6.

Bad fake drumset is bad:

It doesn’t even have a cymbal, where am I to get that tingly tone I love so much?

7.

Karaoke breeds repeating song:

Hours of “Don’t Stop Believing,” can even make me peeved.

8.

Music’s not a competition (But they’re winning):

Points for a music game don’t make sense for me. You are doing music for fun, if you want competition, go make you own band.

9.

Obsessive people, put down the game:

You have not eaten something for 72 hours, you do not have to get a 300,000 or whatever on Dragonforce.

10.

Stop playing and get real:

A real musicians life is awesome-there’s mosh pits, crowd surfing, and money. Also, you wil never ever, ever, ever, ever get a girlby playing a video game. If you have a real life example to prove me wrong, please show me.