Acumen

Experts recommend that stepparents establish a friendship with stepchildren before assuming a parental role

acumen

October 19, 2011

Senior Ashley Sipe said she first met her stepmother when her dad Kent Sipe introduced his then-girlfriend Carla at a bowling alley. At the time, Ashley said she considered Carla little more than her dad’s girlfriend. Four years and one wedding later, Ashley said she views Carla as both a friend and a parent.“As we spent more time together, we became friends,” Ashley said. “As the years passed by, she also had more of a parental role too, but it wasn’t an intense parental role. It was more of a friendly one.”

Ashley’s relationship with Carla is not unusual. According to a study released by the Pew Research Center in January 2011, two in 10 adults have at least one stepparent. With the current divorce rate in the United States at 50 percent, this number will continue to grow.

Marilyn Coleman, a professor of human development and family studies at the University of Missouri, said the relationship between a stepchild and a stepparent is especially unique and presents challenges that other step relations do not. Coleman said friendship is the most effective method to overcoming these challenges and creates a basis for a healthy relationship between a stepchild and a stepparent.

She said, “We recommend that the stepparent develop an affinity with the stepchild. Sort of like when you’re developing a friendship with somebody, you do things that your friend likes to do, and stepparents need to do that too. It seems odd to adults that you have to court the child, but if you don’t do that, and you step in and try to be a parent, it won’t work. Kids resent it.”

According to Mr. Sipe, the transition between Ashley and Carla from strangers to friends was gradual and involved consistent communication on his part as well.

Mr. Sipe said, “I spoke with both about the other quite a bit. We took it very slowly and did not do a lot together at first but gradually did after six months or so.”

Coleman said this communication is called gate keeping. She said that role determination is often the most challenging part of a transition into a stepfamily and that gate keeping will ease the adjustment.

She said, “The biological parent needs to interpret their new spouse to their kids and their kids to their new spouse, so they all have an understanding of why they do what they do. A lot of communication has to take place for the relationship between a child and stepparent to be able to work well.”

Ashley said she and Carla gradually spent more time alone together before the marriage to ease the transition. By the time Mr. Sipe proposed, the two had become friends.

“We would go shopping or go to the gym or go to dinner,” Ashley said. “If my dad was out of town, we would spend the night together. There have definitely been times when I have problems, and I ask for advice. She always helps me out.”

Although Ashley said she views Carla as a friendly parental figure, her dad maintains his role as the dominant parent and enforces her rules and discipline.

“They work together to figure out what the best way to deal with (a conflict) is, and then my dad is the one who enforces it,” Ashley said. “I know for a fact it’s not going to work as well if you hear it from someone who’s not your parent.”

Mr. Sipe said he agrees. Although both he and Carla serve as parents to Ashley, there is “no doubt” he is still the dominant parent to Ashley.

Ashley said her age contributes to the role division.

“It’s likely and possible that down the road she could enforce more, but with me being so old, (my dad and Carla) think it’s best not to force a different adult authority on me this late in life,” she said.

Coleman said this is not unusual.

“Young children are often more flexible,” Coleman said. “They’re more likely to accept a stepparent than an adolescent is. Adolescents can draw away if they don’t like a stepparent, and they may be disinterested in developing a relationship with a new parent because they’re going to be leaving the house soon anyway. We’ve found that young children can adapt to stepfamily life much more easily than adolescents do.”

Carla said she understands this tendency and allows Ashley to determine the relationship between the two of them.

“I let her take the lead on that,” Carla said. “I am not going to assume a role that she’s not ready for just because I’m her dad’s wife. If she wants more of a stepmother figure, I’m happy to fulfill that role, but I’m going to let her be the leader there.”

Despite the slight differences between the respective roles of Mr. Sipe and Carla, Ashley said she considers Carla family.

Ashley said, “We naturally got a lot closer as time progressed. I was around her so much that we became family.”

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Experts recommend that stepparents establish a friendship with stepchildren before assuming a parental role

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