4 things I learned from this season of “The Bachelor”

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With the eleventh season of “The Bachelor” just wrapping up, viewers will commence a two month long hiatus free from watching the serial dating of America’s most eligible. For these next two months, lonely singles across the country will scramble to fill the void once occupied by a weekly dose of roses, date cards and the ever so popular fantasy suites. So without a reality show to demonstrate the complex concept of modern dating, will love cease to exist? Without a weekly reminder that people date “for the right reasons” and are still “looking for love” will couples be able to find their way? To continue the magic of this season to the next, we recommend you to reflect on the wonders that “The Bachelor” has preached on life, happiness and of course, love.

Ashley Salter, bachelor contestant, accountant, hairstylist and apparent onion enthusiast, holding an onion during the season premiere. This mundane vegetable would forever be associated with her during her time on the show.
Ashley Salter, bachelor contestant, accountant, hairstylist and apparent onion enthusiast, holding an onion during the season premiere. This mundane vegetable would forever be associated with her during her time on the show.

1. Roses are red, but onions are better

Dating can get pretty expensive between the nice meals, fancy dates and pricey gifts. Luckily for the fellas of CHS, “Bachelor” contestant Ashley Salter inspired a new way to impress your date without spending the big bucks. Upon meeting the bachelor, she gave a lesson on onions and their symbolic meaning in a relationship.

“Every person you meet is like an onion,” she said. “You cut them, but when you cut them, what you do is you peel them back layer by layer.”

Instead of buying your significant other a bouquet of flowers, simply pick up a sack of onions. Your date will realize not only your commitment to her favorite reality show but also your desire to really get to her core. We promise that nothing speaks to a woman more than vegetables and “Bachelor” references.

Bachelor contestant Britt Nilsson crying in front of bachelor Chris Soules. Such displays of melodrama are commonplace (and justifiably so. What else would you do to start a conversation?).
Bachelor contestant Britt Nilsson crying in front of bachelor Chris Soules. Such displays of melodrama are commonplace (and justifiably so. What else would you do to start a conversation?).

2. Sob stories make great conversation

After years of watching the show, viewers have noticed a certain coincidence that nearly all “Bachelor” contestants share: the sob story. This season did not disappoint, as its contestants lined up to share their private secrets with Chris and, of course, ten cameras a foot away. Although there were plenty tears shed this season, “Bachelor” contestant Kelsey Poe took the melodramatic cake.

“Isn’t my story amazing?” she said. “It’s tragic but it’s amazing. I love my story. I know this is a show about Chris but this is my story too. Stay tuned, Monday nights at 8. The love story unveiled.”

So when the conversation is lacking at your next rendezvous, bring out the Kleenex and rehearse that Oscar-deserving monologue. Everyone knows the best relationships are built on awkward sympathy and fake tears.

bell new mexico
Bachelor contestant Megan Bell standing alongside the state of New Mexico. The “state” part of New Mexico, however, may have eluded her.

3. New Mexico is, in fact, a part of the United States

We’re not saying Chris’ wife needs a 4.0, but a basic understanding of United States geography is always handy. When she was told the show was filming its next episode in New Mexico, it become apparent that “Bachelor” contestant Megan Bell probably failed her 5th grade states and capitals test.

“I think that New Mexico is definitely going to be a culture shock from what I’m used to,” she said. “You know the hats, the sombreros that everyone wears in Mexico? I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. I’m so excited. I’ve never been out of the country.”

To avoid this mishap, keep your comments short and sweet. Vagueness is the key to the perfect date, so let your words play hard to get. Dialogue is overrated when you can always just sit and smile.

hitchhiker
A woman holds out her thumb on the side of the road, hoping for a generous passerby. This situation was one that Bachelor contestants Ashley Ianconetti and Kelsey Poe faced when Bachelor Chris Soules left them both alone in the South Dakotan countryside.

4. Break up in the badlands? Have a ride home

We’re not saying Chris’ wife needs a 4.0, but a basic understanding of United States geography is always handy. When she was told the show was filming its next episode in New Mexico, it become apparent that “Bachelor” contestant Megan Bell probably failed her 5th grade states and capitals test.

“I think that New Mexico is definitely going to be a culture shock from what I’m used to,” she said. “You know the hats, the sombreros that everyone wears in Mexico? I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. I’m so excited. I’ve never been out of the country.”

To avoid this mishap, keep your comments short and sweet. Vagueness is the key to the perfect date, so let your words play hard to get. Dialogue is overrated when you can always just sit and smile.

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