“You don’t owe anyone anything.” But you do. 

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself scrolling amid the self-care side of TikTok. I saw the usual videos praising the idea of protecting your peace, setting boundaries and, of course, not owing anyone anything. But later that night, I stumbled upon a seemingly typical video, only to be hit with a deep-seated truth that stands out in a world normalizing selfishness. The TikToker spoke with blunt honesty, asking the question,“Why don’t we bring back inconveniencing yourself to show up for people?” She goes on to describe how “self-care” or “putting yourself first” have been weaponized to justify being lazy and selfish when not wanting to show up for others.

This may seem like a radical idea at first glance. In a world that continuously praises setting boundaries and prioritization of one’s “self-care,” a comment like this receives shock and disapproval. However, I, and the 3.8 million other people who liked her video, found her statement on society’s recent shift toward selfishness a refreshing and well needed wake-up call.

This trend of self-care first developed in an attempt to help people-pleasers who find themselves constantly letting people walk over them. It stemmed from a place of removing toxic people, protecting one’s peace and overall living a life that takes care of the person at the center of it, i.e. you. But people quickly learned how to take advantage of what was always supposed to be a good thing. Suddenly, learning to take care of yourself turned into learning how to disguise selfishness as self-care.

Just like that, you start hearing these excuses for simply asking to be supported. It’s repeatedly frustrating and hurtful to ask someone if they can attend your birthday dinner or stop by your club meeting or simply just talk to you, only to be met with “Sorry, I’m tired.” You can say “Sorry,” “Wish I could’ve made it,” “So sad to miss it” or any other lame excuse for not supporting someone important to you. But actions will always speak louder than words. And society’s lack of the simple act of showing up is what’s tanking it.

Prioritizing yourself is a direct tunnel to society’s recent shift toward apathy. This self-care trend has only reinforced the idea that we as humans don’t even need to attempt to understand others if it does not serve ourselves. We’ve created this false theory that people’s emotions are black and white, or that people’s actions are a constant ploy out to get us, when in reality, it may be an indirect result of a bigger issue. And even more so, this thinking is a direct justification for the idea that you do not need to inconvenience yourself for someone else. This logic claims that we do not need to hassle ourselves by caring for others, simply because of the assumption that they wouldn’t do the same (an idea wired into millions due to this self-care trend).

Now, is there a time for putting yourself first? Of course. But not to the point that we’re sacrificing empathy and support for those who deserve it. People have become way too comfortable with accepting selfishness in an attempt to “take care of themselves.” But all this actually does is harm basic decency and relationships. 

As humans, we owe people basic empathy, support and compassion to demonstrate our understanding of their value. At the heart of this are acts of inconvenience and sacrifice, as they are the foundation of expressing any genuine type of care. So if you care about someone, next time they ask you to support them at their art showcase or buy tickets to their band concert, show up.

Show up tired, show up sick, show up stressed, show up disappointed. Just show up.

The views in this column do not necessarily reflect the views of the HiLite staff. Reach Laxumi Chandrakumar at [email protected].