By: Sam Watermeier <[email protected]>

Unless you want to spend $9.50 to see an awesome trailer for “Iron Man,” do not see “10,000 B.C.” It should not come as a surprise that it is a terrible film. Its writer-director, Roland Emmerich is one of the worst working today. His movies go beyond escapism into pure stupidity (In his natural disaster flick, “The Day After Tomorrow,” characters are literally chased by the cold. Give me a break.) So, I knew what to expect with “10,000 B.C.” I feel sorry for those who don’t. I would not even want my enemies to have to endure this torturous film experience. It is so excruciatingly boring that halfway through the film, I took out my cell phone and surfed the Internet.

“10,000 B.C.” follows mammoth hunter D’Leh’s (Steven Strait) quest to rescue his people and more importantly, his one and only love Evolet (Camilla Belle) from a warlord. It is almost impossible to get over the fact that these prehistoric tribe members talk like modern day teenagers. Emmerich reportedly said that making the film in an ancient language “would not make it as emotionally engaging.” There are two reasons why he is wrong. First, the film is not emotionally engaging at all. Second, ancient languages have made films like “Apocalypto” and “The Passion of the Christ” more realistic and enjoyable. Then again, the dialogue in “10,000 B.C.” is so clichéd that the language does not make a difference. In a confrontation with a saber-tooth tiger, D’Leh says, “Do not eat me when I set you free.” Is that line supposed to be funny? It seems plain childish to me. Even though he has made an ungodly amount of money, I’m really starting to question Emmerich’s intelligence.

It is difficult to care about what is going on in this film considering the love story is cringingly corny, the characters are one-dimensional and the special effects are mediocre. The narration from Omar Sharif also does not help the audience take this movie seriously. Does Emmerich really think he is fooling anyone?

What happened to consistently good Hollywood spectacles? What happened to films like “Star Wars” and “Close Encounters of the Third Kind?” There is too much trash now like “Transformers” and “10,000 B.C.” Visual effects are getting worse and worse. The saber-tooth tiger in “10,000 B.C.” is too obviously computer-generated. The tiger in the film “Ice Age” is more realistic.

There are so many good films out right now that it is a sin to see “10,000 B.C.” There is a wonderful film called “Be Kind Rewind,” which stars Jack Black and Mos Def as two guys who decide to make their own versions of famous films to replace the broken tapes in their video store. It is original, funny and poignant in the way it captures the magic of movies and filmmaking. Go see that or catch up with all of the Oscar-nominated films like “There Will Be Blood” and “No Country for Old Men” at the Keystone Art Cinema. Whatever you do, never, EVER see “10,000 B.C.” It’s time to take out the trash, Hollywood.

SUMMARY
Starring: Steven Strait (“The Covenant”), Camilla Belle (“When a Stranger Calls”)
Director: Roland Emmerich (“Independence Day” and “The Day After Tomorrow”)
Rating: PG-13
Grade: F