4 Reasons Why Rappers Are Like Small Children

I have a legitimate respect from hip-hop and rap. I do not contest that they are legitimate genres and that there is a lot of critically acclaimed bodies of work from rap artists. But lyrically, the opportunity to poke fun at them is too sweet to pass up. So here are three reasons why rappers can act like small children when they grow up.

1.     They can’t get over when people do not like them (“haters”)

The original reason why I had the idea to do this list came when I was listening to “Holy Grail,” the song by Jay-Z ft. Justin Timberlake and I heard Jay-Z rapping about who he has “haters in the building.” And I thought to myself, how many times have I heard rappers spit a verse about how people who criticize them are “haters” and awful these people are, and that they are wrong, and the rapper is actually great, and so on and so forth. Yet when this is repeated over and over again, it seems unlikely that hearing from their “haters” doesn’t bother these rappers. When I was a kid, I was probably upset when someone didn’t like me. But I grew up and now understand that some people you encounter in life will just not like you. I invite the hip-hop community to grow up with me, and stop whining about their haters. I got haters in the school, house, street, sidewalk and YouTube comment section and I’m okay with that.

2.     They get really interested in new words they hear, and can’t stop saying them

Have you ever heard a baby hear a person say “daddy” and then the baby says “daddy” over and over again? Have you ever heard a rapper hear the word “swag” and the say “swag” over and over again? The answer to both those questions should be yes. Like infants, there is only a small set of phrases that the typical rapper of today will use and even in that tiny universe of phrases there is only a small amount of variation. When Doctor Seuss made a bet that he could write a book using less than 50 words, he wrote Green Eggs and Ham. Replace Doctor Seuss with 2 Chainz and Green Eggs and Ham with any 2 Chainz song and you have modern rap.

3. The entire world revolves around them

As much as we adore small children, they can be very selfish. But we let them off the hook; after all they are just kids. I would not extend the same courtesy to adults, however, and that includes rappers. Yes, it’s awesome that they are rich, famous, great at rapping and have a lot of, um, relationships with a variety of attractive women, but do they really think that they are better than every other rapper? Especially when every other rapper is doing exactly the same thing? Maybe rappers should actually compare notes and see who really has the most money, women, and talent (Answer: P. Diddy with 700 million dollars).

This post is dedicated to Travie McCoy, the only rapper to rap about monogamy. Good for you, Travie.