So, you want to have the PERFECT high school experience? Here’s how. You need to have the perfect prom with the perfect date. After all, this is the most important night of your life and you are going to remember your date for literally months, if not up to a year, after this night. Find a date that you’re never going to marry, but look really good in pictures with. Spare no expense on clothes; the amount you spend on a prom dress/suit reflects how much you think you are worth as a person. At prom, have the perfect slow dance with your date. You want to be wrapping your arms around each other, looking at all of the couples around, trying to talk to your friends so you don’t have to make awkward eye contact with your date. THIS is the best night of your life. But the high school experience has so much more to offer than grades, the SAT and prom. It is also about doing internships. Nothing is more useful to a law/business firm than a pimply-faced 15-year-old high school student who has not a day of experience in the real world. You might be saying, “But students can only do internships during the summer. What experience-building activity can one do during the school year?” My advice is to make a meaningless club that will look really good on your resume. Make the club title sound super official (XYZ of the World, XYZ of Tomorrow, etc…) and call yourself “President” of this very impactful monthly-meeting club. These are great ways to “build” your resumes and colleges are definitely not going to see right through you. Are you a charitable person? If you answered “Yes,” then may I suggest Dance Marathon. The original intentions of Dance Marathon and the Cabinet students behind it are wonderful. But in reality, the actual event does not reflect its original intentions. A noticeable and growing fraction of students have turned it into an annual event where they ask their parents for money to attend, in exchange for “House points.” Instead of exercising their legs for a good cause, many students choose to exercise their fingers as they proceed to tell social media about how good of a person they really are via Instagram selfies. High school can be emotionally draining for some, but there is an easy fix for that. No silly, it’s not antidepressants! It’s a little trick I like to call, “Making yourself seem happier than you really are.” All you need to do is post only the happiest pictures of yourself to Facebook, Twitter and Instagram in order to make your friends jealous. Girls, may I suggest a picture of you and your “fav besties fa lyfe” doing the duckface with one hand placed firmly on the hips. Boys, may I suggest taking a picture with your “bros” at a sports game while you sit awkwardly far apart in order to prove your hetero-masculinity. Moving on…You as a student do not have the right to be mad when the school will not fund an academic field trip, provide non-Citrix computers or put dividers between urinals that are an uncomfortable 8 inches apart. The school is spending that money on more important things. I’m not exactly sure what those other important things may be, but allow me to point something out: We already had three gymnasiums, but just this year a new massive sports complex was built for school athletes only. Nothing says secondary education like a main entreé of athleticism served with a half-serving of academic encouragement… Need another item for your high school bucket list? Here is one. In order to have a full high school experience, all students need to go to the dean’s office at least once. While you are at the dean’s office, you can learn about the Eastern European governments of the mid-late 1900s without using your AP World History textbook. I wish you all the best of luck. Deuces. *mic drop* Omeed Malek will be attending Indiana Unviersity in the fall. Reach him at [email protected].